There’s a Fire: Locking Lips with a Sexy Make-Out Mix

Selma and Buffy sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

Make no mistake, just because I’m settled down doesn’t mean I don’t like to make out for hours with my boyfriend (who is probably totally blushing while reading this. Aw.). Nor does it mean I can’t remember or appreciate some good first date lip lockage or drunken bar smooshiness.

It is with these moments in mind that I decided to put together a make-out mix, you know, in case y’all need some musical inspiration to get smoochin’. Some of the lyrics literally excite, but for the most part it’s the music itself that makes me wanna make out.

MAKE-OUT MIX

The Pink Room – Angelo Badalamenti
Even though this is from one of the ickiest scenes in Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me, it still makes me feel sexy.

Cactus – Pixies
The sexiest Pixies song. Ever. “Run outside in the desert heat, get your dress all wet, and send it to me.”

Little Room – The White Stripes
Pounding drums + Jack White screaming. Need I say more?

Take It Off – The Donnas
“I’m trying hard to think, and I think that I want you on the floor.” Oh Donnas, you get right to the point, don’t you?

September Mix: Let’s Just Get To The Part Where We Bang

It’s not uncommon to hear a dude complain that girls always go for “assholes,” and the nice guys never get a chance. I’m here to put that stupid idea to rest.

Because I can tell you with near-certainty that most girls do not like “assholes.” Not usually even “bad boys.” Most girls DO like nice guys. Most girls like being with boys who say nice things to them and have things in common with them and like to do fun things together. If a girl ends up with an “asshole” or “bad boy,” it’s either because a) she’s a shallow bitch who you probably don’t want anything to do with anyway; or b) he tricked her into thinking he was a nice guy by acting like one during the courting process.

See, the fact is, most girls also like being with boys who touch their boobs, et al. And unfortunately, most “nice guys” aren’t well-known for making their feelings known and putting the moves on a girl. Nice guys take note: If you want a girl to be with you, she has to know you intend to bone her.

Now, there’s of course a right and wrong way to do this. First you flirt, establish connection, make sure she likes you back. If a girl doesn’t like you back, then she’s going to be creeped out when you get to the part about your penis intentions. If she likes you back, then you’re golden. If she likes you back, she’s going to damn well expect that some naked hugging is on the horizon. (Some signs a girl may like you: She says “I like you”; she kisses you; she puts your hand on her boob; she puts her hand in your pants.)

I like talking and getting to know somebody as much as the next person, but what I don’t like is when there’s a really nice boy who I want to get sexy with and he can’t seem to get past the part where we tell each other how much we love our cats. We can ruminate on the adorableness of Mr. Flufflebuttons later, but right now it’s time to give our private parts a word in edgewise. What I’m saying is, let’s just get to the part where we bang.

Love Me Sexy – Jackie Moon
“Let’s get real sweaty/ I’m talkin’ rain forest sweaty/ I’m talkin’ swamp sweaty/ Let’s fill the bathtub full of sweat.”

Harder You Get – Scissor Sisters
“Don’t point that thing at me/ unless you plan to shoot.”