It’s not uncommon to hear a dude complain that girls always go for “assholes,” and the nice guys never get a chance. I’m here to put that stupid idea to rest.
Because I can tell you with near-certainty that most girls do not like “assholes.” Not usually even “bad boys.” Most girls DO like nice guys. Most girls like being with boys who say nice things to them and have things in common with them and like to do fun things together. If a girl ends up with an “asshole” or “bad boy,” it’s either because a) she’s a shallow bitch who you probably don’t want anything to do with anyway; or b) he tricked her into thinking he was a nice guy by acting like one during the courting process.
See, the fact is, most girls also like being with boys who touch their boobs, et al. And unfortunately, most “nice guys” aren’t well-known for making their feelings known and putting the moves on a girl. Nice guys take note: If you want a girl to be with you, she has to know you intend to bone her.
Now, there’s of course a right and wrong way to do this. First you flirt, establish connection, make sure she likes you back. If a girl doesn’t like you back, then she’s going to be creeped out when you get to the part about your penis intentions. If she likes you back, then you’re golden. If she likes you back, she’s going to damn well expect that some naked hugging is on the horizon. (Some signs a girl may like you: She says “I like you”; she kisses you; she puts your hand on her boob; she puts her hand in your pants.)
I like talking and getting to know somebody as much as the next person, but what I don’t like is when there’s a really nice boy who I want to get sexy with and he can’t seem to get past the part where we tell each other how much we love our cats. We can ruminate on the adorableness of Mr. Flufflebuttons later, but right now it’s time to give our private parts a word in edgewise. What I’m saying is, let’s just get to the part where we bang.
Love Me Sexy – Jackie Moon
“Let’s get real sweaty/ I’m talkin’ rain forest sweaty/ I’m talkin’ swamp sweaty/ Let’s fill the bathtub full of sweat.”
Harder You Get – Scissor Sisters
“Don’t point that thing at me/ unless you plan to shoot.”
Come on Closer – Jem
“Come on closer/ I wanna show ya/ What I’d like to do.”
Dare Me – The Pointer Sisters
“I hope that lean, hungry look/ means what it’s sayin’/ ‘Cause I’m just sittin’ on ready/ Ready and waitin’.”
Don’t Keep Me Waiting – Britney Spears
“The train is boarding, you might miss it/ Follow directions, dammit, listen/ before my body’s in remission.”
Supervixen – Garbage
“Come down to my house/ Stick a stone in your mouth/ You can always pull out if you like it too much.”
Instant Pleasure – Rufus Wainwright
“I don’t want somebody to love me/ Just give me sex whenever I want it/ ‘Cause all I ask for is instant pleasure.”
Touch-A, Touch-A, Touch Me – Susan Sarandon
“I’ll put up no resistance/ I want to stay the distance/ I’ve got an itch to scratch/ I need assistance.”
Do Something – Helen Kane
“Oh, I’m willing/ I’m so willing/ but nothing that you do seems thrilling/ I long for your pettin’/ Where am I gettin’?”
I Wanna Sleep With You – The Blueberries
“I wanna sleep with you.” (As if that wasn’t already clear. Is this making sense yet?)
All I Wanna Do is You – Noblesse
“Baby, make up your mind/ It’s getting late/ Don’t kiss and hide/ I cannot wait.”
Time to Unwind – Chester French
“And I beg you please for the birds and bees/ But it won’t last forever.”
Sex With You – King Missile
“Sex with you/ and sometimes food/ is all I really want.”
If You’re Into It – Flight of the Conchords
“If you want me to/ I will take off all my clothes for you/ I’ll take off all my clothes for you/ If that’s what you’re into.”