Band I Dislike, Song I Do Not: Foreigner, ‘Long, Long Way From Home’

Reasons I dislike Foreigner

• I’m pretty sure when the band started they were just looking to fill that “poor man’s Bad Company” void.
• Somehow Ian McDonald went from being a member of King Crimson when they did this to playing guitar on this horseshit.
• If you’re like me and grew up in a town where your radio choices were basically “the good classic rock station” and “the bad classic rock station,” you’ve heard enough fucking Foreigner in your life. See also: Boston, Journey, Boston, Styx, Boston.
• “I Want To Know What Love Is.” Get away from me.

Reasons I like “Long, Long Way From Home” 

• If the sound of a clavinet doesn’t immediately arouse you, you might be dead.
• If there’s one thing Foreigner could do, it was write a seemingly epic but mostly pointless story song with badass power chords. (I also really like “Jukebox Hero,” too, but that’s mainly for ironic reasons.)
• Mmmm. Sax-UH-ma-PHONE!
• It’s not one of the five Foreigner songs played to Goddamn death by classic rock radio. And it’s really short.

Band I Dislike, Song I Do Not: The Eagles, ‘Those Shoes’

Reasons I like “Those Shoes”

• Joe Walsh. Talk box. My ears.

Reasons I dislike The Eagles

• C’mon. They’re The Eagles. They fucking suck.

Band I Dislike, Song I Do Not: U2, ‘Bullet the Blue Sky’

Reasons I dislike U2

• Bono isn’t a good vocalist.
• The Edge’s revolutionary guitar style usually involves playing through three separate delay pedals and going “Hey guys, doesn’t that sound WEIRD?”
• They haven’t made a legitimately good record since the late ’80s yet the press keeps S-ing their D’s.
• Did I mention their names are Bono and The Edge? You’re musicians, not damn comic book characters.
• The sunglasses, the leather jackets, the beanies. Make up your minds — are you hot or cold? Guess what, it doesn’t matter, you’re probably indoors. Douchebags.

Reasons I like “Bullet the Blue Sky”

• Driving bass line, which is basically what the whole song is built around. Lead bass FTW. ALWAYS.
• Nice, somewhat understated slide guitar. Touché, Edge. (You’re still bald. Not fooling anybody with those hats.)
• The “rattle and hum” lyric, which made for one of the best concert video titles of all-time.
• That whole “arms of America” ending reminds me of the ending of this song (and that song just happens to be the song that made me pick up a guitar, so… there).

Band I Dislike, Song I Do Not: Def Leppard – Rock of Ages

Reasons I dislike Def Leppard

• “Pour Some Sugar On Me.” Everybody is dumber for having heard that song. I award you no points and may God have mercy on your souls.
• I’d rather have to hear the sessions of that one-armed drummer relearning how to play than Joe Elliott yelp his way through “Photograph.”
• Def Leppard was like the biggest thing in the world in the mid-’80s, so obviously they’re terrible.
• The spelling. If it wasn’t for their dumb British asses we wouldn’t have had to endure through stupidly-spelled acts like Limp Bizkit, Linkin Park, or Jackyl with a Y.

Reasons I like “Rock of Ages”

• “Unta gleeben glouten globen.” So stupid…LY AWESOME!
• They stole the riff from Led Zeppelin’s atrocious “In the Evening” (0:57 mark), but they’re not the greatest rock band of all time so it isn’t a huge letdown.
• That chorus? Pretty bitchin’.
• Secretly I’m a big dumb dipshit who likes sports, a nice slab of steak, and shout-singing “I WANT ROCK-A-ROLL!” That’s right, I’m a man. Deal with it.

Band I Dislike, Song I Do Not: Soundgarden, ‘Outshined’

I’m kind of afraid to write this down, because I feel like I might get kicked out of my city, but I am not a Soundgarden fan. (Hopefully the fact that I do like Pearl Jam will save me from being stoned to death.)

In the ’90s, I had violent reactions to “Spoonman” (REALLY? IT’S ON THE RADIO AGAIN??) and “Black Hole Sun,” which left my grunge-loving friends scratching their heads. “But Amie! It’s SOUNDGARDEN! How can you not love them?” I don’t know, you guys, but I didn’t. I don’t. I recognize how important they were to the Seattle grunge scene, and Chris Cornell is amazing, and Kim Thayil is the best guitarist EVER … yada-yada-yada, but I have never been, and never will be, a Soundgarden fan.

BUT. There is one Soundgarden song that I really do love, and that’s “Outshined.” I can’t decide if it’s because Chris Cornell brings on the sex with his amazing hair-whipping, throaty screaming, and ridiculous chest muscles — or if it’s related to that time I watched a very drunk, very beautiful boy dance to it all alone at a club, mouth agape, while my friend mopped the drool up and closed my mouth gently, silently judging me. For whatever reason, it’s the one song by these guys that I can listen to over and over and not want to turn it off.

So there you go. I’m not grunge-heartless after all. Do I still get to keep my ’90s Seattle cred?